stilettoformalx

why is it that just when you become the happiest, your whol elife comes tumbling down right ontop of you? i'm starting to see a trend here. it wasn't too long ago, that i was so happy i glowed. two days later, my world came crashing down ontop of me and i was in a deep depression for a long, long time.

three nights ago, i didnt think my life could get much better. then two nights later, i come home from school. my mom throws a giant fight.

she never understands me, and she never will. i always fight with her, but i hate having to raise a hand to her. this time she really went overboard. this time, i dont think i can forget. she's doen some terrible things before in the past, this was by far the worst. im sorry, but if im pinned to a wall, and being hit repeatedly, i'm not going to just take it.

sometimes i really wish my aunt in new york was still well enough to take me.

and friends? what are they? i dont seem to have any of those anymore. oh, sure. i have people who i hang out with, but none that are "friends." thats something i had in elementry school, and by now, they're long gone.

so lets go over life. you wake up and wonder why you're here. get up to the same routine. shower and try to feel real, although it never really happens. have your morning cup of coffee, and smoke another cigarette. this is going to kill me one day, and it wont come soon enough. spend hours on your hair and makeup, which no one cares about anyways. walk upstairs to be greeted by the same two people, in the same way. tune them out. put on the same clothes you already wore once that week. off to school. off to drama. home to more. sleep. repeat.

life is so robotic.

and now that i think of it, there was only ever one person in my life that changed me. and made my life worth living. he's gone now. and there's nothing i can do. move on, just move on. don't break any more hearts

Thinking back to when I was a little kid, and I played with barbie dolls, I was always imagining this perfect life. You know? Fall in love with this amazing guy, spend the rest of my life with him. All that really good stuff. And there was never a doubt in my mind that it would happen.

Now I really want to reconsider that. I fell in love, but I lost it. That's something you never think of when you're little. You never realize heartbreak. I never thought that I might fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

I really think the person I've fallen in love with did love me at one point. Things were really great, really fairy tale perfect. I got more "I love you's" than I could ever count, and I was truley happy. It was a short period of time I even knew and was talking to him, but it was so right. He was perfect. He still is.

Things started fast, but ended quicker. God, I still love him, but I really don't think I have the chance anymore. He's moved on. He has this new girlfriend, and needless to say, I'm ripped apart. I'd love a chance with him again. Things were so perfect. My heart is literally broken.

What hurts more, is he still talks to me. I guess that it's better than him not talking to me at all...but I always have the urge to tell him I love him and miss him, and that i want him back.

It's true, what my mom always used to tell me.
You never really stop loving your first true love.

If you love something, you have to let it go. If it comes back, then it was meant to be. He let me go, and god am I trying to let go of him...I just don't think he'll come back, and I dont think I could take that.

its not going as bad as I thought it would be.
My sister hasn't said anything terribly ignorant yet.

My dad also I guess talked to my mom.
And she told him that I really dont like feeling like I am in second place and competition with this 25 year old girl who only has half of my blood.
So my dad told Nicole that she needs to not bitch at me.
And just accept me for who I am.

We've actually had some good conversations.
She's helping me out with a lot, which is unusual.

I just want to go back home to Belle Vernon already.
I miss Haylee, I barely get to talk to my girlfriend...

ugh D:

this is fucking shit.
I'm sitting here listening to fucking eminem.
Waiting to go on a fucking dumbshit 5 hour car ride with my parents.
Stay with my "sister" for an exciting "family weekend"
fuck that shit.

I don't like her, and I'm sure she doesn't like me.
We argue all the fucking time, it's so fucking annoying.
Then she sits there and critisizes every little fucking thing about me.
Which is even more aggrivating.
I'd like to punch her, all the fucking time.

So I'm stocking my MP3 player up on music, getting ready for the worst of the trip.

I'm already being bitched at about my fucking outfit.
"YOUR SKIRT IS SO SHORT!"
UH HI, THATS WHY I'M WEARING FUCKIN' LEGGINGS, R-TARD.

This is all so hard to comprehend anymore.
I am in love, and I am sure of it.
He pushed me out of his life, he got a girlfriend, and I don't understand.

I love him so much.

Last night, I stayed up and I cried.
I don't know what made me start to cry, but I did.
I got in a fight with my parents and all my emotions came out.

Why can't I be what he wants?
Why am I never what people need.

I started to wish I wasn't who I am.
Maybe if I lost 25 pounds, and turned into one of those little anorexic girls, people would look twice. I've been trying so hard to have someone notice me, I admit it, but it's not working.
I've stopped eating, thinking my parents would see...but they don't seem to take it as a problem.

I cut again.
And again.
And again.
And school is starting.
And I don't want people to think I'm crazy again.
I don't want to go back to a mental institution.

I can list everything I want.
I want Mark back.
I want love.
I want my parents to notice I'm not alright.
I want more of my friends back.
I want to be accepted.
I want to lose 25 pounds.
I want to be prettier.
I want to be envied.
I don't want to be jealous.

He messaged me last night. Asking me why I called his house. I never did. Then he goes on to tell me that I'm not missing out on anything, and relationships aren't that great. But that's coming from the boy who told me he loved me and never wanted to lose me. The boy that got in one stupid argument with me and tossed me out the next day for another girl. Maybe she'll put up with his shit.

So we talked a little. And I blamed him for breaking my heart and I told him everything he said to me felt like such a lie. He told me nothing was.

I don't understand what's going on right now. He says sweet things to her. He acts like he loves her, but comes and tells me that the realtionship's already lost its luster. That it's not that great, especially when there was no interest to begin with. That they had broken ties so many times before, then hung out with friends, and things just "happened."

Now he gave me a ping of home that maybe we can fix things and be together. Too bad, in my heart, I know it's most likely just false hope.

11:11
I wished for him every night. But I made a mistake. I wished that he would be completely happy, no matter what, for the rest of his life...and I think it backfired. It didn't work out the way I wanted it. Now he's completely happy. But with a girl that isn't me.

As terrible as it is, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of how happy she is. She's getting all the kisses that should have been mine. And she's holding the hand that I should have held in mine. He's making her smile the way I used to when I talked to him. He's telling her he loves her the way he used to tell me. Is he singing her songs at night when she's just about to fall asleep like he did for me? Does he give her kisses over the telephone until he can see her, just like he did for me? And I think she is ugly, and I dont understand.

I want him all for myself. I know it's selfish, but that's what I really want.

It's 89 degrees outside
and it's 8:30 am.
It's going to be about 94 degrees
According to the news.

One of the hottest days this summer.
Yesterday was bad enough with 92!

And good lord.
What the fuck.
Why isn't myspace working?!

I'm going swimming.
fuck this.

So I'm missing warped tour today.
That's definatly not making me happy.
A lot of my friends aren't going either, but there were so many bands I wanted to see.

I'm so pissed off >_<
Damn my ride, she just had to go to the beach.

Oh well.
I don't think Mark went to Warped today either.
I'm hoping not, because if he didn't, he PROMISED me he would come over today.

If this boy keeps putting me off.
I'm just going to end it, no matter how hard it is to do so.
Things just always come up, and he always breaks promises.
Gets my hopes up to send me crashing down.

We're going to watch season 1 of House today in my freezing cold room.
But that's okay, because we have cuddling to keep us warm, and I was promised a lot of kisses :D
It's terrible that I have to hide this from my parents.
I hate not being legal. With parental consent, I can date him because we are exactly at a 4 year difference, but my parents would never agree to let me date a 19 year old boy.

He scared the hell out of me the past two days.
He took some antibiotic, zithromax or something, and had an allergic reaction.
He had 4 asthma attacks before I could talk him into going to the hospital.

All last night we talked about who he used to be
And how much he never wanted to go back to who he was.
He was addicted to pills and he would take benidryl at one point in his life.
Last night, one of his moms pain killers went missing
And she blamed it on Mark, and threatened to give him drug tests.
When in all actuality, she probably dropped it somewhere or hid it, or took it while she was drunk and didn't remember.






Bands I'm Missing :

18 Visions
AFI
Aiden
Alexisonfire
Armor For Sleep
Emanuel
Emery
Everytime I Die
From Autumn to Ashes
Greeley Estates
Gym Class Heroes
Hellogoodbye
Misery Signals
Motion City Soundtrack
My American Heart
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Rise Against
Saves The Day
Saves The Day (Acoustic)
Senses Fail
Senses Fail (Acoustic)
Silverstein
So They Say
The Academy Is..
The Audition
The Blackout Pact
The Bled
The Early November
Thursday
Underoath

These are to take them for me.
Nohari
Johari


These are to view them.
Look at these afterwards.
Nohari
Johari

I finally thought I found someone that I really loved.
Mark.

But then I look in my inbox on myspace this morning
And there's a message from my really good friend, Matt x Dare.
I would trust him with my life if I had to.

It said this [directly copied and pasted, I didn't change anything]:

"dude mark is bad news holy shit..
im not going to even explain...
but id kill that kid if i ever saw him...
hes a lying crying little dirt bag.
no offense but i hate him. "


Okay.
So, he didn't tell me WHY he's bad news.
I asked him to explain.
But I really want/need to know.

I'm not going to mention this to Mark until I find out what Matt has to say.
So that I can question him about it.
But I really trust Matt, so if he tells me something horrible, I'm going to believe him.

Mhm.
Yesterday I got to go to Kennywood.
[amusment park in pennsylvania]
And it was so much fun :D

So.
We go and pick Christian up at 9:40 yesterday morning.
And get to the park at like. 11. or something.

I rode the pitfall.
And didn't pay attention to the sign that clearly states asthmatics shouldn't ride it.
So when it dropped us, I lost my breath and when we got to the bottom.
I was like, gasping for air. haha.
So I had to sit down for a good 20 minutes and catch my breath.

We eventually met up with Haley.
Anddd, I was searching for my friend Nicole from Carmicheals for over 2 hours.
It was hot as fuck outside, so Haley, Christian, Butters, Kristen and me all rode the raging rapids.

Yeah, It was a bad Idea.
Everyone but Christian got the waterfall.
While exiting the ride, we all realized.
"KAYLA'S TAN CAPRI'S ARE SEE THROUGH!"

I walked around for about 2 hours with everyone being able to look at my nice bright red thong.
LOVELY :D

Finally found Nicole when she screamed at us from the platform that goes to the Phantom's Revenge, and Haley got all bitchy about me going meet her.
So. I guess she's pissed at me now, but I never see Nicole because she lives like, an hour away.
So seeing her was really all I was caring about.

Jesus Christ.
I know my limit on the music express now too.
I rode it 5 times in a row.
And I got the end where youg ot crushed once.
Dear lord, I thought they broke my ribs.

Then Nicole left.
And we found Hayley Canigiani again
And had a lot of fun.
I don't know :]
It was a really good day, to say the least

I know I'll never be what people want me to be.

scarecrowsx: Thank you gorgeous. <333
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-[ i am not gorgeous
OMG KAYLA LOL: and you're welcome :D
scarecrowsx: you are too
OMG KAYLA LOL: am notnotnot.
carecrowsx: I think you are. ok?
OMG KAYLA LOL: okay. fine :-)
recrowsx: :-D
OMG KAYLA LOL: you're seriously really sweet. :-)
arecrowsx: really?
OMG KAYLA LOL: yes, really! I wouldn't say it if I didnt mean it :-)
ecrowsx: <333
ecrowsx: you're a sweetheart too.
OMG KAYLA LOL: <33.
OMG KAYLA LOL: i am nooottt. haha.
recrowsx: yes!
OMG KAYLA LOL: fine. haha.
recrowsx: you can't win a fight with me!
OMG KAYLA LOL: Yes I can.
OMG KAYLA LOL: I just choose not to :-)
recrowsx: hahahahaha
arecrowsx: yeahyeah
OMG KAYLA LOL: it's true!
OMG KAYLA LOL: you'd get sick of me realllly fast if I argued with you on everything.
recrowsx: no way.
OMG KAYLA LOL: yes way!
OMG KAYLA LOL: I'm surprised your not sick of me yet.
recrowsx: never!
OMG KAYLA LOL: haha. you will eventually.
OMG KAYLA LOL: "oh god, it's that kayla girl. I better hurry and go on away!"
OMG KAYLA LOL: hahaha.
ecrowsx: nope!
ecrowsx: never.
OMG KAYLA LOL: mhm. suresure. you say that now.
ecrowsx: I'll always say that.
crowsx: I'm a man of my word.
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-) I'm holding you to that.
ecrowsx: good!
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-D
OMG KAYLA LOL: im bored :-(
crowsx: me too babe. :-(
OMG KAYLA LOL: awe. <3
OMG KAYLA LOL: I'm getting another kitten todayyy :D
OMG KAYLA LOL: I'm excited.
crowsx: oh yeah?!
crowsx: I wish I had a kittne.
OMG KAYLA LOL: Mhm :D

Auto response from wsx: Sick.

OMG KAYLA LOL: I have one. so I'm getting another :D
OMG KAYLA LOL: they're so cute.
crowsx: get me on1
ecrowsx: *one!
OMG KAYLA LOL: lol. my friend's cat had a whole litter! she's giving them away.
ecrowsx: awwww!!!
OMG KAYLA LOL: mhmm :D get one! haha.
OMG KAYLA LOL: they're so little :-)
rowsx: :-( I want one. :-(
OMG KAYLA LOL: well then. come get one! haha.
crowsx: ok!
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-D
crowsx: you're adorable.
OMG KAYLA LOL: i am nooot!
crowsx: YES!
OMG KAYLA LOL: why?! haha
recrowsx: I think you are!!!
OMG KAYLA LOL: gahh! I think you're just amazing!
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-)
arecrowsx: I think you are too. :-)
OMG KAYLA LOL: awe. stop being cute. :-[ it makes me giggle like a little kid.
rowsx: fine! I'll stop!
OMG KAYLA LOL: no don't :-(
OMG KAYLA LOL: lol.
OMG KAYLA LOL: i like it.
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-)
arecrowsx: ok! babe!
OMG KAYLA LOL: "babe"! i don't think anyones called me that for like. a year :-)
ecrowsx: well, get used to it!
OMG KAYLA LOL: i am used to it, seeing as i miss it a lot!
arecrowsx: :-)
recrowsx: well, you won't mind if I do it, right!
OMG KAYLA LOL: of course I don't mind!!
crowsx: good.
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-)
rowsx: well... I'm gonna lay down. I'll be back later!
OMG KAYLA LOL: awee. alright.
ecrowsx: <33333
OMG KAYLA LOL: <33333!!
OMG KAYLA LOL: :-)

MONROE
6/24/06

NOSE
6/18/06

I'm kicked off for sticking up for myself again.
for two days.

I think I'm just going to kill myself.
Life isn't worth it anymore

My parents ruin me.


I'm getting my monroe pierced tomorrow.
I pierced my nose 3 days ago.
It kind of hurts.
I want more holes in my body.


I'm not happy.
I don't know why the fuck I smile.

Dude.
My wisdom teeth are infected
And underneat my gums.
So I have to have the surcially removed.

Bad day
End of story

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Kayla. She wasn't popular, but she was happy, and being happy was what mattered. She had friends that cared and was with almost everyday. She wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world, but her friends made her care less about that. They would do stupid things and girl things and talk about boys.

By the end of her 5th grade year, she made a new friend. They went to an amusment park together and after that, it was pretty much bestfriends. She liked her new bestfriend, but her new bestfriend didn't like her the way she was. She strived to be everything her new bestfriend wanted her to be. She started ditching a lot of her old friends for the new one, because the new friend didn't like her other friends. She dressed differently because of her new friend, and her attitude changed completely.

Her old friends started calling her house, worried about her. One of them even talked to her mother, who also started to see the subtle changes. Eventually, she had worked herself down to just that one new bestfriend, and pretended to be happy.

During the summer of 6th grade, they were inseperable. Everyday, they were together, and the old friends had completely faded away and gave up on her. She got her first "boyfriend" that year, but her new bestfriend didn't like him very much, and made them stop talking. She told the boy she hated him, and she told herself this so much, she believed it too. She never really hated the boy.

Now she was different. Completely controlled by this new girl. At her new bestfriends birthday party, she met another new girl. She didn't like this girl at first, but they grew on eachother. They started talking, hanging out, and that's when her bestfriend stopped talking to the other girl and told Kayla she should, too.

For a while, Kayla listened. This new bestfriend got her into stealing things from stores, and being everything she used to swear she never would be.

Kayla's akward stage was ending, she was growing taller and losing weight. Not to mention, all the walking her new bestfriend and she had done. Still, she never felt very secure about herself around this bestfriend. Her bestfriend was skinnier, taller, prettier and had a boyfriend all the time. Kayla was shorter, chubbier, cute but not gorgeous, and never had boys doting on her.

As with most bestfriends, a fight arose. Fight after fight. Once, the bestfriend even told lies about her around the school. Deleted her websites, stole her screennames. Kayla started to realize that this new bestfriend wasn't even a friend at all. Their friendship started to fade. Kayla avoided her, and tried to get her old friends back, but they weren't sure about her anymore.

Boys didn't like her because of how tough she used to act. She used to cut because of her old bestfriend, she used to not eat for days and became a bulimic girl. The binge eating and the throwing up left her with some extra skin, but she was slimming down slo. The bestfriend and her talked less.

FlashForward

Now it's the summer of 9th grade, and next year Kayla will be a Sophmore. She's dropping that old bestfriend slowly but surely.

Some of her old friends are returning, but not really.
She doesn't have many friends, she's been played by many boys.
She's still self concious. She's turned into a liar.
Her parents hate what she is, and now she's in another fucked up realtionship.
Remember the girl she met at her old bestfriends birthday party?
Now they're bestfriends.
She's not sure if this is good or not.
She's picked up bad habits.
She smokes now and she's done some drugs.
Cocaine, pot, acid, cough medicine.

FlashBack

She's with the girl she met at her bestfriends bithday party.
The friend wants her to go to a boys house with her.
Kayla agrees after seeing his picture and why she wouldn't want to go alone.

They boy comes to pick them up.

He's tall. Black hair, spiked up in the back. It has a lot of gel in it, to keep it perfectly straight down on his face on the sides. It looks as if it's shaved underneath. At first glance, she notices he has snakebites, both eyebrows pierced twice and his ears are gauged out in more than one place. What he's wearing is hideous. Tight black dickies girl pants with chains, a black fishnet shirt and his pale body shows through. He has his nipples and bellybutton peirced. He's wearing eyeliner and glittery lipgloss, practically pure glitter. Bright green eyeshadow. This is a face she will remember, a face that will haunt her. She looks down at his feet, he's wearing steel toed platform boots. Shined so perfectly you could see your reflection in the toes of them. They're about 8 inches high, and she figures without them on, he must be just the same height as her.

She doesn't want to get in the car, but she doesn't want to leave her friend alone with such a person. She gets in the car and shuts the door. She's thinking of how badly her parents would lecture her if they saw the boy whose house they were going to.

He lives a town away, not even a 20 minute drive. When they arrive at his house, they automatically see that he lives in a bad part of the town. The part with the drugs, the crimes, the rapes.

They survey his bedroom. Painted black, red carpet, chandelier. Posters of Marilyn Manson and mutalted girls.

"lay down" he says, pointing to the bed. They hesitate, sitting on it but not laying. Before they know it, he has her friend pantless. He's working on Kayla. She put up a fight at first, and then what happened, happened...

On the way home, she feels dirty.

She dates the boy.
He ruins her life.
She lost more friends.
And if she could go back and erase the day she met him, she would.